I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
