Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
