Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
