I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How does one acquire holy water?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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