I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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