How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
