You smell like a Billy Joel song
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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