Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
