I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
