I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
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He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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