yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
