Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
