After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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