I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
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Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
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So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.