I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.