Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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