I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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