Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
