Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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