I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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