he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
