I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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