Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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