see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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