fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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