Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
