Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
