So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
