A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
