I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
