And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
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I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
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i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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