he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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