Midget sex pt 2 tonight
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
