I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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