A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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