you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
