I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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