No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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