Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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