Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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