Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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