We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
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I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
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Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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