i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
