I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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