Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
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