you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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