I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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