i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
