You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
