my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
