and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
