I accidentally had phone sex last night
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
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Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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