I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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