dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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