I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
