I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
