is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
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Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
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In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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