Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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