She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
